Arsenal despair: Eight players leaving, Arteta future ‘thrown into question’ and a UCL Group of Death

Things just keep getting worse and worse for second best team in the country Arsenal, who are hit with setback after setback after non-existent setback in today’s Mediawatch, which is very nearly a one-club effort until we deploy the trusty Manchester United crowbar…

Death defying
It never rains but it pours for Arsenal, whose title dream is in tatters and now thanks to The Sun cannot even enjoy the consolation of a long-overdue return to the Champions League.

Because the Gunners could (could, not will) face a GROUP OF DEATH! This is, as The Sun gravely intones, ‘worrying news for fans’. With respect, is it balls. It’s a hypothetical scenario based on a hypothetical draw on a hypothetical pot split for a competition where we won’t even know the final 32 qualifiers for many, many months.

This is, we think, the earliest recorded point at which any tabloid has tried to work out what pot everyone will occupy and then got very excited/terrified about it. Ever since the change to the way Pot 1 is worked out – containing as it now does not the eight teams with the highest coefficient but the winners of the Champions League, Europa League and six strongest domestic champions – there has been an inevitable bump in the calibre of teams in Pot 2.

Arsenal will probably (although not definitely) be in Pot 3. It’s significant. Spurs snuck into Pot 2 by the skin of their teeth this season and ended up in a very favourable group. That said, Spurs sneaking into Pot 2 also tells you that Pot 2 isn’t so impossibly stacked with quality that Pot 3 equals instant DEATH.

And right now it’s just absurdly early to be worrying about any of this. Arsenal could end up in a group with Bayern Munich from Pot 1 and Real Madrid from Pot 2. But it’s not yet even guaranteed that Munich will be in Pot 1 or Madrid in Pot 2. If Madrid win the Champions League, they will go in Pot 1. If Munich – unthinkable as the notion is – don’t win the Bundesliga they will go in Pot 2.

Arsenal could end up with the same two teams the other way round. Or Barcelona and Bayern Munich. Or PSG and Real Madrid. Or lots of other combinations because, and this is important, we don’t really know what pots teams will be in yet. We don’t in most cases even know what teams will be in any pot at all. We haven’t even finished this season, let alone got through qualifying and play-off rounds to find out who’s qualifying and where they’re going.

The only current certainties in the draw are that Barcelona and Napoli, having won La Liga and Serie A, will be in Pot 1. They could entirely feasibly be joined in that top pot by Leverkusen and Feyenoord, which doesn’t exactly scream group of death.

Arsenal might get a very difficult Champions League draw. They also might not. Let Arsenal grieve for their lost title before hitting them with this, fellas.

Flaw warned
Absolutely shameless stuff from the Express, this. The sort of headline where one almost has to admire the sheer chutzpah of it, before finally deciding, no, it’s just awful bollocks.

‘Mikel Arteta’s Arsenal future thrown into question as Kroenkes made aware of major flaw’

Now that’s big talk. The Kroenkes are involved. They’ve been made aware of something. Something so big it throws Arteta’s entire Arsenal future into question. The sub-head is not backing down either.

‘Arsenal owners Stan and Josh Kroenke have been made aware of what has been described as a major flaw in Mikel Arteta.’

For a start, the Kroenkes have only been ‘made aware’ of this ‘major flaw’ if they listen to talkSPORT. And even if they do listen to talkSPORT – which we doubt – it would still only throw Mikel Arteta’s Arsenal future into question if they are weirdly convinced of the all-knowing accuracy of the prophecies of former Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan, who has some vague doubts about Arteta’s ability to kick on from this season.

The Hateful Eight
‘7 players leaving Arsenal alongside Granit Xhaka as Gunners exodus gets underway’ is a headline in the Mirror that seems to have been specifically designed to annoy us, mainly with that grating numeral ‘7’ right at the start.

Anyway. Xhaka you’ve told us about, who are these other seven – sorry, 7 – Arsenal players leaving? You’ll notice the headline is quite unequivocal about this – there’s no ‘could’ or similar cowardly qualifier lurking in there.

And yet by the intro even Xhaka’s exit, never mind the other seven, is reduced to ‘almost certain’. Next up is Kieran Tierney. Definitely leaving is he? Well, ‘the cash-rich Magpies would be happy to take him off their hands’ so that’s basically a done deal. Same for Emile Smith Rowe to Aston Villa. Sounds feasible, could definitely happen. So that’s three certainties.

On to player number four who is leaving this summer. Reiss Nelson. He’s gone, Gunners. The headline was very clear, there are no muddy waters here: ‘He has previously stated that he would like to sign a new deal, but with the clock ticking down, his future remains uncertain.’

Oh. Right, never mind. Who’s next? Folarin Balogun. ‘The likes of AC Milan are rumoured to be interested’ in a player with a ‘reported valuation of £30m placed on his head.

Hmm. Are any of these eight (8) players definitely leaving or what?

Yes, calm down. These next three are definitely leaving. And the best have been saved for last. Nicolas Pepe, Cedric Soares and Pablo Mari. Yeah.

New headline: ‘3 players you thought had already left Arsenal leaving Arsenal as Gunners exodus gets underway’

Q&A
Finally on the Gunners in what is a very Arsenal-heavy Mediawatch, there’s quite a nice bit in The Sun today about the ‘posh flats’ where Highbury once stood. They’ve sent a reporter down to ask the residents how they feel about living in a former football stadium and it’s all pretty harmless and the pictures are interesting enough if you’ve not seen them before.

We’re instant huge fans of Highbury Square resident Carla Short, though, for her response to The Sun’s question about whether there are any downsides to living here.

“A lot of tourists taking pictures. People also come up to me asking questions about it.”

The Man United Crowbar
We’ve got to crowbar Manchester United into Mediawatch somehow, so we are indebted to the Express for making Luton’s play-off win over Sunderland all about Manchester United.

‘Sunderland’s loss to Luton may have spoiled Man Utd boss Ten Hag’s perfect Amad plan’

We’re sure it’s a great comfort to Sunderland fans facing another season in the Championship to be reminded that it could be worse: they could be Manchester United and have the ‘dilemma’ of deciding whether to give Amad Diallo another year of Championship football on loan, keep him at United, or loan him to a different club altogether.

The kind of genuine problem that really puts your own disappointment in perspective.