Chelsea latest: Lampard panic ‘makes perfect sense’ before orgy ban, awkward Keane reunion

The rush to justify Frank Lampard’s interim appointment is as fun as the clamour to report on a permanent Chelsea manager. But first, a slice of humble pie.

Metawatch
There really is only one place to start Mediawatch – and that is with Mediawatch itself.

‘Chelsea to appoint Frank Lampard after he reminded them he existed!‘ was an entirely and characteristically sarcastic, mocking headline at 11.25am on Wednesday, which suddenly and hilariously became accidentally accurate a few hours later.

‘What do you do when you have a back page to fill but the big game of the night is absolutely shit?’ we, those woke leftie snowflakes sneered, convinced we had the nation’s best-selling newspaper bang to rights once again.

‘Well, some of us just admit the game was absolutely shit and move on, but The Sun are not some of us. They are different. They are shameless.

‘Actually, are they shameless or did Phil Thomas spot Frank Lampard in the crowd and genuinely think that he had a bona fide exclusive about the former Chelsea legend and manager being back at the club?’

Phil Thomas 1-0 Shameless Mediawatch.

‘Well, that is absolute bollocks, isn’t it? Pure, unadulterated bollocks,’ we crowed. ‘This absolute nonsense of a story,’ we called it. ‘This entirely fictitious move,’ we dubbed it. ‘This absolute bumwash,’ we branded both that and talkSPORT‘s exclusive revealing Lampard as a genuine short-term option. F**king idiots.

Mediawatch is in the dirt. The L has been irrevocably taken. This used to be a great site.

Ask a simple question…
‘Is that how it works? You come on Tuesday night, hide under the seats and just refuse to leave until Todd Boehly gives you a job?’ – Mediawatch.

‘Yes’ – Todd Boehly.

Sense and sensibility
The next task, after removing all remnants of egg from Mediawatch’s collective face, is to carefully examine the thought processes of those stepping back seamlessly into their pro Frank shoes and striving to justify Chelsea’s decision to bring him in.

‘And Lampard, who was Chelsea boss for 17 months before he was sacked in January 2021, would give Boehly the choice of a manager who knows Stamford Bridge,’ is a lovely take on club-knowing from Andrew Dillon of The Sun. And to be fair Lampard surely knows where the loos are better than Bruno Saltor.

‘Lampard’s surprise return would boost Chelsea fans who have been disillusioned with the club’s lack of progress under Potter for several months, and give him an opportunity to rebuild his reputation with some players he knows well and in a comfortable environment,’ writes Matt Hughes of the Daily Mail, who appears to have forgotten about the club’s prior distinct lack of progress under Lampard, who knows far less of a much-changed squad than he might like. But at least he will be ‘comfortable’ in his old parking space.

READ MORE: Lampard to Chelsea makes sense to people with no knowledge or short memories

The Athletic, as they tend to, go numerous steps further by simply headlining Greg O’Keefe’s article thus:

‘Frank Lampard’s Chelsea return makes perfect sense in wild Premier League season’

And how does it makes ‘perfect sense’? Well he ‘retains his reputation for improving young players’, he shouted at Jurgen Klopp once so ‘has enough bark and bite to match his swagger and charm,’ and plenty of the squad will have played as him on FIFA before.

It is possible to rationalise Lampard’s caretaker appointment and note the potential positives without pretending it makes ‘perfect sense’, particularly when O’Keefe himself lists plenty of issues such as his previous tactical naivety and habit of criticising players in public.

They feel a little more relevant than the idea that Mykhaylo Mudryk might once have signed Lampard for Premier League champions Accrington Stanley on an old Football Manager save.

Frank speaking
Outside of official confirmation, the story most fans would be anticipating are actual quotes from Lampard himself. And the Daily Mirror website have somehow got hold of them before everyone else – their own well-connected, highly-paid newspaper journalists included.

‘Frank Lampard comments on Chelsea sacking and transfer business ahead of return,’ is their headline. To quotes from December 2021. Oh for fu…

EXCLUSIVE
‘He was sacked during the Roman Abramovich ownership but is open to returning under the new structure on a short-term basis. If appointed, Lampard could simply be keeping the seat warm for the likes of Enrique or Nagelsmann’ – Felix Keith, Daily Mirror.

You don’t say…

And on that note…
‘This unlikely renewal of vows probably makes even more sense for Lampard himself’ – Jeremy Wilson, Daily Telegraph.

The unemployed man being offered a role already proven to be beyond his capabilities might benefit more from this than the panicking club which sacked him two years ago, yeah. Even if it does make perfect sense for Chelsea.

Pudding and pie
But attention must inevitably turn to what happens at Chelsea after Lampard and beyond the end of this season. The Sun website have their finger on the button, so to speak.

‘Chelsea stars set to be banned from ORGIES under Luis Enrique… but are free to romp on nights before matches’

Oh wow. Most managers seem to draw the line at ketchup and fries but fair enough. Banning orgies would certainly set Luis Enrique up as the diametric opposite of Lampard.

‘But sex with their partners is fine,’ is a stunning second paragraph, mind. And it should probably be noted that Luis Enrique obviously hasn’t ever felt it necessary to actually ban orgies; he just once joked that “if you’re at an orgy the night before a match, it’s not ideal”.

Keane learner
The same Sun website has this headline which raises more questions than it answers:

‘Luis Enrique could be set for awkward reunion with Man Utd hardman Roy Keane if he becomes Chelsea manager’

Eh? Mediawatch has not had the best of weeks but have we also missed Chelsea’s appointment of Roy Keane to their coaching staff?

Obviously not. But if Luis Enrique is made Chelsea manager then ‘it surely will not be long before he comes across Keane working for Sky Sports’. And that would make for an ‘awkward reunion’ because they once had an argument during a pre-season friendly 20 years ago.

Luis change
With that said, Luis Enrique will surely be ruled out of the running soon.

‘But, although the 52-year-old has a strong CV, having won Spain’s 2015 treble with Barcelona, Chelsea’s top brass could conclude that he relied on the class of Luis Suarez, Neymar and Lionel Messi up front’ – Darren Lewis, Daily Mirror.

‘The 52-year-old won the treble with Barcelona in 2015 and favours a quick, attacking style, although Chelsea will ponder whether much of that Barça side’s success was owed to having Lionel Messi, Luis Suárez and Neymar in attack’ – Jacob Steinberg, The Guardian.

This just in: a manager relied at least a little bit on his best players. You won’t get that sort of nonsense with Lampard. Which brings us to…

The single least surprising headline in football history
‘Jamie Redknapp: No one knows Chelsea better than Frank Lampard | It’s a no-brainer’ – Sky Sports.