Frank Lampard appointment a ‘masterstroke’ as four defeats earns him Chelsea promotion

We knew Frank Lampard would emerge blameless for the Chelsea omnishambles; we didn’t know he would emerge with a promotion…

Give me oil in my Lamp
Frank Lampard has lost the first four games of his return to Chelsea as interim manager so what’s the solution? Promote him, of course!

It’s staring Todd Boehly right in the face…give the man who has now won three of his 22 Premier League matches this season MORE responsibility.

He not only should do this, he absolutely must. It says it right here on football.london.

‘Why Todd Boehly must hand Frank Lampard new Chelsea role as manager search continues’

Boehly has made a series of catastrophic errors but surely he is not so utterly clueless as to watch Lampard’s Chelsea lose four straight games and think ‘what we need is more of this utter, utter shit’.

To be fair to the author of this piece – a Trends writer who may or may not actually exist – we will read on, because perhaps he/she/they makes some incredible and irresistible points and we will emerge believing that Lampard should indeed stay at Chelsea and actually be promoted into a different role.

‘Chelsea legend Frank Lampard returned to Stamford Bridge as caretaker manager until the end of the season – but things have not gone well for him so far.’

A strong opening. Perhaps a tad understated.

‘Chelsea have held talks with Luis Enrique and Julian Nagelsmann regarding the vacant managerial position at the club, with the latter emerging as ‘favourite’ ahead of the former Barcelona and Spain boss. Nagelsmann was sacked by Bayern Munich last month, with Thomas Tuchel – ironically – replacing him at the Allianz Arena.

‘football.london understands the German is a serious contender to take the hot seat at Stamford Bridge but Todd Boehly will not rush the process of appointing a new head coach. Boehly may have actually made a brilliant move – despite results on the pitch not improving – by bringing Lampard back to the club.’

He ‘may have actually made a brilliant move’ in bringing in a recently sacked Everton manager who has lost all four games so far? We’re only three paragraphs in and this is already mental.

‘Lampard admitted that his return to the Blues was a ‘no brainer’ for him after Graham Potter was sacked, and he could play an important role at the club going forward if rewarded for his loyalty. The 44-year-old has a reputation for having an eye for talent and being able to pinpoint targets and pursue them vigorously.’

‘Rewarded for his loyalty’? Because of course he turned down a wealth of other options after failure at Everton to return to Chelsea!? It was absolutely a ‘no-brainer’ because it was a ludicrous appointment that no other club would have made.

As for the ‘reputation’, we remain sceptical but convince us…

‘Lampard handed Mason Mount and Reece James their debuts at Stamford Bridge and both have become crucial players for the club.’

Both had literally been on in the Championship the season before Lampard took over in 2019; no previous Chelsea manager had them as an option. And crucially, both were really excellent players.

‘The ex-Everton boss also identified West Ham captain Declan Rice as a key transfer target and he remains on the Blues’ radar to this day.’

And literally nobody else spotted that England midfielder Declan Rice was any good at football. Forget Brighton’s scouting of Karou Mitoma and Evan Ferguson, the real juice is in spotting Rice dominating the West Ham midfield.

‘Thiago Silva and Ben Chilwell were both acquired under his management, with Kai Havertz and Edouard Mendy both being influential characters that have been the victims of their surroundings recently for differing reasons.’

You know who else was ‘acquired under his management’? Timo Werner and Hakim Ziyech, that’s who. Oddly no mention of that pair.

‘With the club in a difficult position at present, Lampard has already hinted that he knows what the club need to do to get back on track.

‘The interim boss has already questioned some of the players’ fitness, the desire to fight for the club and his knowledge upstairs in terms of mood and what is required will steer the club towards far better recruitment and a better future. Another reason to offer Lampard a new role, potentially as a director of football, would help bridge the gap between the playing squad and the higher figures at Stamford Bridge.’

Wow. Just give him the job now if he has ‘knowledge upstairs in terms of mood’. Never mind that Chelsea already have Laurence Stewart and Paul Winstanley as co-sporting directors and Christopher Vivell as technical director, they should appoint Lampard now because he questioned the fight of the players at the club. He couldn’t fix that problem as a coach but as a director of football, he could presumably tell somebody else to fix that problem.

But maybe ‘director of football’ is not the right role; maybe there is another…

‘A well-informed messenger between the playing squad and co-owners could be an ideal role for the 44-year-old, with owners entering the dressing room on matchdays potentially doing more harm than good as it stands.’

You’re describing a postman. Now that could work.

Keep me burning…
The Express website have gone even further and come up with five reasons why he deserves to be given a new job. FIVE. Has everybody lost their sodding minds?

‘Todd Boehly may have played a masterstroke in bringing Frank Lampard back to Chelsea, regardless of what is happening on the pitch.’

Seriously? Is this now a f***ing wind-up? If so, it’s absolutely worked because Mediawatch is seriously wound up.

‘The Englishman has already thrown away his chances of filling the managerial vacancy in the long term, though appointing him as a sporting director, or a similar boardroom role, could be the best decision that the American could make since acquiring the club.’

Lampard was a very good footballer who became a pretty limited manager. What the hell makes him qualified for a sporting director role? You know it’s not an ambassadorial position, right?

‘Express Sport looks at five reasons why Lampard deserves to stay at Chelsea in a different capacity – despite his own managerial ambitions.’

The ‘despite’ is amazing. He was sacked by Everton; any ‘managerial ambitions’ will likely be restricted to the Championship now. But sod it, let’s hear these five reasons.

‘Despite performances on the pitch suggesting otherwise, Lampard has a reputation for having an eye for talent and being able to pinpoint targets and pursue them vigorously.’

Another lovely ‘despite’ there. So despite all of the available evidence, Lampard is actually very good at his job.

And now we know this is pretty much a carbon copy of that football.london piece, which absolutely makes sense because surely only one person not called Frank Lampard could even vaguely believe this nonsense enough to start typing.

So we already know that reason 2) is some bumpf about spotting young talent, with two League Cup appearances for Marc Guehi cited as one example of this eagle eye, while 3) is his knowledge of the squad after leading them (badly) for a few months. Because Chelsea definitely do not have an army of analysts to assess their own players.

We’re back to the ‘messenger’ role at 4) so what’s now left? What’s the final compelling reason to give failing manager Lampard a promotion?

‘Negative reports are emerging from Chelsea on a weekly basis, and the strong face of the club needs to return as soon as possible. The Blues needs investment still but risks becoming an unattractive destination if their downward spiral continues on and off the pitch. Out with the old and in with the new is the message at the club currently, but the lack of a constant is a major negative that needs to be addressed – and Lampard looks a ready-made candidate to do so.’

Does that basically boil down to ‘because he’s already there’? Yes. F*** me, it really is a masterstroke.

You can’t handle the truth
‘Why is Lampard acting as a human shield for these people?’ asks Dave Kidd in The Sun. Because what fool calls out their employers for being clowns when employing them is one of the most clownish things they have done?

‘Without a permanent role, he has nothing to lose and should be calling out, rather than defending them. Perhaps during the remaining six weeks of Chelsea’s season, Lampard might deliver a few home truths.’

You’re a daft sod, Kidd; don’t you know he’s about to get a job as director of football/postman?

READ: The (not so unlikely) results that would see Chelsea relegated from the Premier League