Did Man Utd win ‘one of worst FA Cup semi-finals’ because of DNA or dark arts?

One journalist is seven so was bored by the lack of goals while another claims Manchester United are a ‘winning machine’ despite all the evidence.

I Kidd you not
The Guardian called it ‘gripping’ while the Daily Telegraph said it was a ‘tight encounter’. We accurately but rather dully called it ‘a good game’. And how did The Sun simplistically refer to an 120-minute 0-0 that featured 30 shots?

Well according to Dave Kidd, it was ‘a goalless, largely dismal, match’ and ‘one of the worst FA Cup semi-finals in living memory’.

Dave, there was literally a worse FA Cup semi-final last year when Chelsea beat Crystal Palace 2-0. No goals does not equal no entertainment unless you are seven.

So what put Mr Kidd in such a bad mood? Well, in true old man shouting at the clouds fashion it was pantomime villain Bruno Fernandes.

‘They were scrappy and shoddy here for the first 90 minutes – the histrionics of their skipper Bruno Fernandes being their most eye-catching contribution.’

It wasn’t even his most eye-catching contribution. Nobody on either side had more shots nor created more chances. But Kidd was not going to let that spoil his narrative:

‘United skipper Fernandes was having one of his ratbag afternoons…’

Odd this because The Sun’s player ratings say absolutely nothing of the sort, with Neil Custis being the voice of reason with his entry on Fernandes:

‘You often realise a player’s worth when he is not on the pitch and that was definitely the case in Seville when he was suspended. Was everywhere in the first period and had a good chance well saved by Robert Sanchez, then when put through by Casemiro he fired wide of the far post.

‘Faded after the break as a foot injury he received in the first half started to slow him down.’

When Custis looks like the sensible one with a sense of perspective, you need to take a really long, really hard look at yourself and wonder whether football – with its low scores and occasional goalless draws – is for you.

It’s always darkest before the dawn
Of course, ‘one of the worst FA Cup semi-finals in living memory’ was settled by a penalty shoot-out in which neither goalkeeper made a save and eventually Solly March fired over the bar.

And it can never now be just a case that one player struggled in a high-pressure environment, as evidenced on The Sun website:

‘From Weghorst’s ‘kiss of death’ to Casemiro antics, how Man Utd mastered dark arts to end penalty shootout hoodoo’

It kind of felt like Solly March just hit a poor penalty but Mediawatch is willing to concede that Weghorst kissing the ball and David de Gea scuffing up the spot might have played a part. But what’s this about ‘Casemiro antics’?

‘Meanwhile, Casemiro also tried to do his part as he was spotted doing his best to interfere as Adam Webster stepped up.

‘With the pressure on, the Brazil international was maniacally jumping around on the halfway line and waving his hands in the air – hinting the Spaniard should follow suit.’

Pesky fact: Adam Webster scored. Can you ‘master dark arts’ if somebody scores anyway?

‘De Gea also had his own set of notes hidden with his water bottle and towel.’

Pretty sure that is not ‘dark arts’, fellas. Just preparation. Also, he really might as well not have bothered.

Party like it’s 1999
The FA Cup final came literally three days after a complete and embarrassing collapse from Manchester United in the Europa League, but three days is a long time in football. It’s certainly enough time for the Daily Mirror‘s John Cross to pretend it never actually happened.

How else do you explain this opening line to his match report?

‘Somehow they just seem to find a way.’

Except on Thursday v Sevilla.

‘Erik ten Hag has embraced United’s winning DNA, they have already won the League Cup and could end up completing a domestic cup double in the manager’s first season at Old Trafford.’

‘Winning DNA’ that somehow went missing literally three days before.

‘Time and again, Brighton tried to dribble the ball into the net to score the perfect goal when someone just needed to pull the trigger and shoot. And you do that against your peril against United because, down the years, this club is just a winning machine.’

It’s not 1999, John. Manchester United have won four trophies in 10 years. Manchester City have won 12.

Stop right now, thank you very much
Back to that penalty shoot-out and it seems the Express have found another angle…

‘Erik ten Hag stopped Man Utd star from taking specific penalty in Brighton FA Cup win’

Which is one hell of a way of saying that Wout Weghorst would have been happy to take one of Manchester United’s first five penalties.