Spurs are on the darkest timeline that ends with Kane and Pochettino at Chelsea

Tottenham’s 6-1 defeat to Newcastle on Sunday – especially the first 21 minutes – was many, many things. Abysmal. Catastrophic. Mortifying. Hilarious. And so on.

But plenty of journalists and commentators and guffawing general onlookers made a mistake no Spurs fan was making in that moment. Careless phrases like ‘rock bottom’ and words like ‘nadir’ were bandied about with reckless abandon. To the bafflement of long-term Spurs sufferers, there seemed to be a thought that going 5-0 down in 21 minutes in the most important league match of the season might be as bad as things could get for Spurs.

Remarkable really that English football still contains so many sweet summer children.

This is Spurs. Of course that’s not rock bottom. It’s never rock bottom. This is the darkest timeline and things are only getting started.

A day later, Spurs chairman Daniel Levy had to sack the interim manager he’d appointed a month earlier, after sacking Antonio Conte but leaving his mate who agrees with all Conte’s ideas in place had bafflingly solved none of the problems. The announcement was made by the ludicrous and objectively hilarious medium of a ‘Club update from Daniel’. We’d love to know how close they came to going with ‘Danny’ there to make him sound even more human.

That was a necessary step, but still a humiliating one. Interim managers are quite often out of the job within a month, but very rarely because of results.

Yet the real darkest timeline rock-bottom-and-digging news was not the manager Daniel Levy necessarily sacked while even conceding a teensy bit of the blame might lie with himself, but in the manager Levy has spent the last month studiously and inexplicably ignoring.

The chants of “He’s magic, you know” had begun even before Conte’s ultimately inevitable sacking but have grown louder and louder over the subsequent weeks. By the end of the 3-2 defeat to Bournemouth – some people’s idea of ‘rock bottom’ as recently as 10 days ago – these chants were full throated from all corners of the ground.

Ignored by Levy and Spurs, their former manager Mauricio Pochettino – one who made Spurs fans believe that good things could happen, whose love for the club seemed as deep as theirs and who many of them still refer to as ‘Dad’ – is now on the brink of being named Chelsea manager. Chelsea. CHELSEA. Chel. Sea.

It’s Sol Campbell for the TikTok generation and leaves you desperately wishing you supported the kind of football club where being 5-0 down after 21 minutes was absolutely definitely as bad as things could get rather than a scene-setter.

But how much further could the darkest timeline go? While Arsenal fans give themselves no chance of winning at the Etihad on Wednesday night, it is now for Spurs fans an utter certainty. The only question is by just how many goals Arsenal prevail to regain control of a title race they are now absolutely certain to win in even more gleeful fashion having apparently thrown it away.

Spurs, meanwhile, still have to play Manchester United and Liverpool before their April horribilis is over. How many goals will they concede in those two games? Anything under double figures feels like a bit of a win.

Whatever happens in those two games – and it is almost certainly going to be disgustingly grisly for Spurs – they are probably going to finish eighth. That is entirely apt for the quality of their football this season, but still quite something given the amount of time they’ve spent defying gravity in the top four or five in this curious season.

But that’s the least of their worries. What of the summer? The obvious darkest timeline sees Harry Kane depart for Manchester United, but that just once again shows an obvious lack of imagination.

It’s a dark timeline for sure, but clearly not the darkest. No, in the darkest timeline, Levy grimly holds Kane to the final year of his contract. Frankly that part is understandable. Kane, as we know, just loves scoring goals so much that after a couple of weeks in a funk will settle back down and score the 20-odd goals needed to keep Spurs away from the relegation fight.

That’s far more valuable than the 80 or 100 million quid they might get for Kane this summer and subsequently waste on nonsense. So fair enough.

But it also marks the point at which Levy loses all control of the situation. Not only will he be powerless to stop Kane leaving in 2024; he will have no say over the destination.

And where better for Kane to continue his pursuit of Alan Shearer’s Premier League record than alongside his old mate Pochettino at newly crowned champions Chelsea?

If it sounds far-fetched, then consider the fact that one of Tuesday morning’s back pages asserts that United are Kane’s ‘only option’ because he will never consider joining one of Spurs’ London rivals. That story sits directly and unironically beneath the story of Pochettino’s impending arrival at Chelsea.

When you’re on the darkest timeline, there is no rock bottom. This is just the beginning.