Todd Boehly to appoint new Chelsea boss on basis of 18-month-old Ronaldo April Fool?

Todd Boehly has made some odd Chelsea decisions but none would be odder than appointing Luis Enrique on the basis of a Rob Dorsett tweet about Ronaldo from 2021.

Who scored?
Life is too short not to start with Garth Crooks and his BBC team of the week.

And the only place to start is with the goalkeeper, which this week is Aaron Ramsdale.

‘David de Gea couldn’t have done any more to have kept Manchester United in the game against Newcastle at St James’ Park but eventually lost 2-0 after some abject defending. Newcastle’s Nick Pope kept a clean sheet but the Reds never really threatened his goal. Arsenal, however, could have been 3-0 down in the first half against Leeds if it hadn’t been for Aaron Ramsdale.’

They ‘could have been’ if they had literally nobody in the goal, yes. But that would be a highly unusual tactic.

We know some of you really do f***ing loathe talk of xG but we cannot ignore that those three early Leeds shots had a post-shot expected goals Opta rating (roughly how likely it would be to result in a goal) of 0.04, 0.12 and 0.17.

They ‘could have been 3-0 down’ but it would have taken an aberration of a goalkeeping performance.

At right-back in Crooks’ team is of course Nathan Ake for not giving away a penalty, while beside him is Michael Keane, who did give away a penalty but – crucially in Crooks’ eyes – then scored a goal. As did Nayef Aguerd. And as did the entire midfield of Alexis Mac Allister, John McGinn, Jack Grealish and Marcus Tavernier. Which is almost parodic from Crooks.

Team of the week? Just rename the feature ‘here are the names of eight footballers who scored goals plus three others who did something that Garth Crooks noticed on the highlights’, guys.

NEVER ever have I ever felt so low
Over at The Sun, they are getting used to the idea of a coach stepping into the sacked manager’s shoes. Apparently it’s an alien concept to Andrew (when did he drop the Andy?) Dillon:

‘THE 42-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN Chelsea interim manager Bruno Saltor has NEVER picked a starting XI in his football career as he steps in for Potter’

Man has NEVER done the job he has NEVER done? What’s next?

‘TODD BOEHLY has entrusted Chelsea’s crumbling season and £600 million worth of new players to a man who has never picked a team before.’

On the list of ‘things Todd Boehly has done wrong’ (and there have been a few), there is no space for ‘put a coach in temporary charge for a game two days after you have sacked the manager’.

Oh and that sacked manager was not some kind of chump so lord knows what this headline is implying…

‘Graham Potter being lined up by ANOTHER Premier League team to replace boss after axed Chelsea chief rejects Leicester’

ANOTHER? The fools. Don’t they realise that those few months at Chelsea eradicated everything else he has achieved in his career.

WWRD?
So who next for Chelsea after the sacking of that idiot Graham Potter? Will it be a ‘shiny new toy from Germany’ or somebody else entirely? Well…

‘Chelsea target Cristiano Ronaldo’s pick for next Man Utd boss after Todd Boehly meeting’

First, every hat tipped to the Mirror for writing a headline that could be read at least two ways, possibly three.

Second, well, just read this absolute tosh prompted by talk of Luis Enrique being a candidate for the Chelsea manager job.

‘Cristiano Ronaldo has already stated who his top pick to take over as Chelsea manager would be, with the superstar remaining a transfer target of Todd Boehly’s.’

So Al-Nassr player Cristiano Ronaldo has picked the next manager for Chelsea? WTAF?

‘Boehly may want to turn towards former Barcelona boss Luis Enrique as a candidate instead. That is because Ronaldo championed his candidacy for the Manchester United job after Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was sacked in November 2021.’

So not because Luis Enrique won the actual Champions League and La Liga double with Barcelona but because ‘Ronaldo championed his candidacy for the Manchester United job after Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was sacked in November 2021’? Seems plausible.

Boehly might be some kind of football naif but we are pretty certain that he is not about to appoint a manager just because a player he once targeted reportedly ‘championed’ him 18 months ago.

(A reminder, by the way, that when Luis Enrique himself was asked about this reported story in November 2021, he replied: “Is today April Fools’ Day?”)

‘It is likely that he is still held in high regard by Ronaldo. And that could play some influence over Boehly, with the American having been keen to sign Ronaldo both last summer and in the winter. Boehly has developed a reputation for making a splash in the transfer market.’

If that does play some influence over Boehly then he is a mentalist. He would have to be pretty damned stupid to want a 38-year-old striker currently playing in Saudi Arabia; to appoint a new manager based on what Sky Sports‘ Rob Dorsett tweeted about who that 38-year-old striker wanted in charge of Manchester United 18 months ago would be sheer lunacy.

But we’re not supposed to believe it of course; once Ronaldo, Chelsea and Man Utd have been crowbarred into the headline, the actual content is close to irrelevant.

Stance and deliver
But would Luis Enrique take the Chelsea job?

Well, allow football.london to entirely fabricate that they know the answer to that question:

‘Luis Enrique stance on Chelsea revealed as ex-Barcelona boss eyed as Graham Potter replacement’

Has Luis Enrique ever said anything about Chelsea? A pretty extensive Google search has revealed nothing but obviously his ‘stance’ has been revealed by somebody else.

‘According to Fabrizio Romano, Chelsea really appreciate Enrique as an option, liking his leadership and personality as key attributes to him ahead of a potential hire.’

That sounds like Chelsea’s stance on Luis Enrique rather then the other way round but carry on…

‘Romano adds that the manager “dreams” of working in the Premier League, with hopes of returning to work as soon as possible. He would need a long-term project and a clear plan, which is something that could suit both parties amid reported interest.’

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is his ‘stance on Chelsea’. Yes, it sounds like his stance on the Premier League and, well, football in general, but to the trained eye of the ‘local’ journalist, that is absolutely his standpoint on Chelsea Football Club.